The Box

There is a box that sits in the top of my closet. This is a special box and it has only been opened 3 times. In this box are tiny things. Tiny things for a tiny baby that were never worn or used. It is my grievance box.

3 years ago today at 4:25 am after 12.5 hours of induced labor I delivered a tiny baby that passed away from an umbilical cord accident.

I never imagined that this could have happened to me. It's not something you would wish on your worst enemy.

As sad and devastating that this experience was it has been an opportunity for growth in my life.

I learned that we are never alone.

Honestly looking back I don't know how I got through that or made it through that experience. The only way I can explain it is that the Lord and angels had to be by my side. I will never be able to explain the feeling of peace that was in that delivery room that morning. I know that the Lord loves me and has a plan for me.

I have also experienced a huge increase of faith in my life.

Getting pregnant so quickly afterward was in many ways a blessing but also very difficult. Cord accidents are random and can happen to anyone. There were lots of days I was a complete basket case with Ella. Towards the end of my pregnancy I finally had to turn it over to the Lord and exercise my faith in him. I have had to learn to trust in God's will, trust in His way of doing things, and trust in His timetable.

I have learned that many important things will occur in our lives that we have not planned, and not all of them will be welcome. Even our most righteous desires may elude us or come in different ways or at a different time than we have planned. Faith and trust in the Lord gives us the strength to accept and persist, whatever happens in our lives. I do not know why my baby had to die. All I know is that is was His will and He gave me strength to accept it. 32 days later I was pregnant again and I know that this was also the Lord's will.

I am comforted by something Richard G. Scott said,

"The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life. I do not minimize how hard some of these events can be. When the lesson you are to learn is very important, trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life. That perspective keeps challenges confined to their proper place—stepping-stones to further growth and attainment."

This statement hit me pretty hard because this has been on my mind for quite some time now. Not the quote, but the contents of the quote. I have been trying to put into words these feelings and then this quote came along and it describes very beautifully how I feel.These words apply to everyone no matter what challenges they are facing. This just happens to be the most challenging trial I hope to ever have to face.


It is MY choice to be happy. It is MY choice to seek out the JOY in life and accept that there IS indeed good along with the bad. There IS joy right along with the sorrow... and it IS okay to acknowledge those joys even in tumultuous times. It is MY choice to be grateful that my baby is and always will be a part of me. THAT is joyous.




I have learned to have gratitude for tribulations.



"Tribulations are frightening. And yet the Lord said: 'Be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours." 'And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious' (D&C 59:7)."The kind of gratitude that receives even tribulations with thanksgiving requires a broken heart and a contrite spirit, humility to accept that which we cannot change, willingness to turn everything over to the Lord--even when we do not understand, thankfulness for hidden opportunities yet to be revealed. Then comes a sense of peace. "When was the last time you thanked the Lord for a trial or tribulation? Adversity compels us to go to our knees; does gratitude for adversity do that as well?" President David O. McKay observed, 'We find in the bitter chill of adversity the real test of our gratitude . . . , which . . . goes beneath the surface of life, whether sad or joyous' (Pathways to Happiness, comp. Llewelyn R. McKay [1957], 318)." Bonnie D. Parkin, "Gratitude: A Path to Happiness," Ensign, May 2007, 35 36


On that morning three years ago I gained a greater understanding of the atonement of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, a greater love for my eternal companion Brandon, and my children became much more precious to me.