Deep Thoughts

And so it went. . .

There I sat at Mountain Crest High School last week as part of "Life Studies Panel." There was a 25 year old, a woman that was 45, another 49, another in her 50's, another in her 60's, a man in his 70's and a sweet sweet skydiving grandma who was 85. I was the person representing the 30's. Our job for the day was to sit in a row and answer some very reflective questions of high school seniors. Where I sat I was the first to answer all the questions. Lucky me! *roll eyes* Not only did I have to have an intelligent sounding answer about personal experiences in my life but I had to think fast.

Some of the questions were easy.

Student: "How did you meet your spouse?"

Me: "High School Sweethearts."

Students in unison "AWWWWWW!"

Student: "What's the worst thing that has ever happened to you?"

Me: "Delivering a dead baby & and having a sick husband for years that no one could fix rank up near the top."

Other panelist's answers were just as sad. . .divorce. . .death of a spouse. . . death of parents. . . At least if anything the students realized that life is not always pretty.

Student: "What's your greatest accomplishment?"

Me: "My 3 children."

Student: "What's been your worst and best job?"

Me: "HMMMM. I haven't had any really bad jobs but my best is being a teacher. My lesser favorite would have to be being a grocery store checker."

Student: "What would you like to do before you die?"

Me: "Be a teacher again."

Student: "Are you afraid of getting Alzheimer's?"

Me: "Never really thought about it."

Some of the questions were harder and required more thought.

Student: "What has been the best part of your life and would you want to go back to that time."

Me: "There hasn't been a best part. They've all been good." I reflected on each of the stages of my short life, high school, college, newlywedom, being a new mom, now . . . I explained that they all were amazing and at each point I didn't want life to change but it did and it was different but still great in a different way. I also told her I wouldn't go back. "The here and now is wonderful. People are supposed to progress." My feelings were the consensus, even with the elderly.

There were many more questions that day but the one that sticks out most in my mind is:

"Is your life exactly the way you planned it when you were our age?"

Me: "For the most part. I always wanted to be a teacher and a mom from the time I was 5 years old. I was well on the teacher path when I was a senior in high school. I became a teacher and I am a mom. It's not exactly though. I always wanted 4 or 6 children. I only have 3."

At which point for the first time in the entire discussion the classroom teacher who looked to be about my age turned and looked at me and very seriously asked, "Are you going to have any more?" As she stared at me she seemed very intent on my answer as if it validated something in her own life. My answer, "No, probably not. I'm getting too old. Next year I'll be 35."

And the crickets chirped.

And she looked down at her desk.

And I looked down at her desk and there were 2 small frames with little boys in them. And I thought, "Oh crap did I just tell her she's too old to have anymore children?"

And after a minute of silence the other panelists responded to the original question.

The truth is I really don't know. Most days I say, "No, no, NO way!" Other days I'm not so sure. Do I just love babies? Do I really want another 2 year old? 3 year old? 6 yr old? 13 year old? 16 year old? If anyone has been around Ella lately you may understand my thought processes here.

How do you know you are done?

That is the question I have heard many times from many women. Other women come up with lots of really good answers.

From the very beginning, even before Brandon I were married we decided to take children one at a time. For the most part that has worked out pretty well for us. Of course we've had more than a couple heartaches but looking back we can see how those experiences stretched us and grew our spirits and testimonies. I know some peoples' lives especially in regards to family planning work out perfectly on paper but ours has not and that's okay.

The point is, I’ve got 3 kids. And out in the world, 3 is the new 2, but is 4 the new anything? It’s the old, Oh? Catholic or Mormon. I am 34 (which, don’t get me started, but in Mormon Mommy birthing years makes me not quite Sariah, but not at all spring chickeny, you know), and two of the three kids I’ve got are the crazy spider-monkey sort. Ask my home teachers they will back me up on this one. Then there's the fact mentioned above, that our track record is not so good. We have to lose one to get one, compounded with months of waiting (except in the case of Ella). Do we really want to deal with the heartache we both have said we wouldn't wish on our worst enemies?

I get asked all the time if we've, "done or are going to do anything permanent" and no we haven't because doing something permanent is not where my testimony is at right now (which is an entire other post) and I still want to keep my options open, you know? Cause I love babies. And I love my kids, too.

And even though the scientists tell me my eggs are nearly expired, I don’t feel like I’m ready to call the game on account of elderliness or mental insanity, or because I might be bald from tearing all my hair out of my head (though I do realize these are all excellent reasons), because I don’t feel 100% done.

Or am I?

I realize this sort of talk is the talk of the woman who has a choice in the matter. I know I should stop whining.

I guess I just hope that if I do climb out on the limb of this family tree, leave the relative comfort and safety of the norm of 3 and have baby number 4, people will be nice about it. In the end, IF (did you see that grandmas? IF so don't get your hopes up. I'm guessing you were in this same situation at some point and made the best decision for you) I do decide to have another child I know it doesn’t matter. What’s a few tears in trade for a whole other child? And following personal spiritual promptings? It's no contest, really. I can take the societal and family pressure, I think.